Running Bells

I hear alarm bells ringing at times.. more often these days and it's scary. Things should change for the better and if its not then start turning the other way.

I think that i'm a very rational person. And sometimes (many times), i think i get a bit S&M and cruel, having no room for grey areas and empathy.

My frens always say that i'm very lucky but i'd to think that i'm stupidly brave instead. Everyone have the same capacity to choose. And as with every choice, there comes the opportunity cost of sacrifice simply depending on you're appetite for LIFE.

I've also come to realize that i'm a fast (impulsive?) decision maker. From what to eat, drink to traveling and all, i seldom find myself spending more than 5mins. I guess the reason is that I can always change my mind later if i have to.

The issue of selfishness is there. But whenever i put myself in other's shoes, i tend to play a supportive role even if its for the most stupidest cause. How often do one get an opportunity like that? And if you miss this one, will u ever get it again? If yes, then when?

I'd push everyone if i can and because of this, i can't be held back. I love receiving advices and different perspectives on things. But like i've said, usually i've already made up my mind under 5mins.

I think I'm an Action Person

I remember reading one of those psycho-analytic books whereby you fill up questionaires and they tell u what kinda person u are. The one that i read has got 4 categories, Visual, Audio, Action and Feeling (i think). It determines what kinda cues will respond to you more effectively and efficiently. My result was Action and then i passed the book onto my friend and then she found out that i did the questionaire wrongly - i ranked the answers the other way round. GREAT! I think that im pretty much an action person but the book says that im not. But i've come to realise that all these don't matter anyway cause what you've done and/or what you've said is irrelevant. Why? Because many times it's up to what the other party think of what she has heard (not neccessary the whole story).

Stubborn to Learn

Ok so i realize that i have a very stubborn attitude towards learning and experience life in all sorts. Thats the best way that i can put it apart from how my shit friends will say that im stupid. Thats the risk that i take and at the end of it there's always something i'll learn. And somehow that's the best way to learn too! Sucks to be me? I just tend to look at the brighter side of people/things and am patient enough to live it through... My backpacking trip to Europe has once again brought to my attention of how great an impact it has made on me to have lived abroad for that 5 years in my life.

1. There are many levels of independence, much like that of an onion.

I suppose that most people would think of independence in a financial sense. But i totally object to this notion simply because life is more than just that. Maybe im not suited to comment on this cause i never had to (and i also actively choose NOT to by saving) worry about money in my life before. I stick to the fact that i view money very differently to excuse myself.

ANYWAY, the layers of independence that i uncovered are social independence and emotional independence. Social independence in the sense of being sociable enough to make connections with people and not commit too many social suicides in random situations. And also being street smart that when the unexpected happens, u know how to react to save yourself. It's like how u realise that there's a cockcroach in the lift after the door closes, u become terrified and u freeze? This is about unfreezing and acting on ur fear to save yourself.

There are many ways that i can think of to explain my version of emotional independence but it kinda boils down to being comfortable with yourself, alone. That when ur down and alone, u are mentally strong enough to be rational over your emotions for your own sake. Also, i think it hovers around the area of being spiritually whole with oneself. (do i sound crazy?)

2. Learning is sadly not a priority in people

Its either that i have a great variety of interests or its just the joy of learning that i know a lot of useless information. There is always a superb satisfaction in learning or even just observing how things work, how people or animals interact and behave.

Although I think ignorance is sometimes a bliss, it is definitely a suicide to understanding anything, everything and including one self. Admitting ignorance is hard, taking an interest to learn from it is much easier isn't it? But the act of active ignorance is way too hard for me to stomach. I feel gingerly disappointed (and sometimes disgusted) whenever i see people choosing ignorance over a learning experience. It is NOT ok to not learn just because its difficult/far away/useless/makes u sick. How often does one step out of their circle to explore knowledge -spiritually, physically and emotionally?

When was the last time u explored something that was foreign to you? When was the last time u found something that moved you and u embraced it? When was the last time that you thought or reflected on something that taught u something about life?

Most of the information that i gain is mostly useless in my life. But the invaluable knowledge that i gain is how it made me think, understanding my own thinking process, how things take their forms and how it shapes an attitude.

Reflecting on this point, i have to conclude that learning and changing behaviour/attitude are on different planes. So if you ask me why sometimes i make the same mistakes again? i will tell you that its a different situation and i learnt different lessons from it.