Saturday, December 3, 2011

First experience being in the middle of the Universe

It was a very high and dark starry night sky. Just the right amount of moonlight, dimly romancing my vision. The stars were dazzling, bright and sharp, spotting the infinite dark universe. No faraway blinking satellite nonsense.

This is close to what i saw where i was, only way darker, fewer but distinct stars. Right in the middle of it, i was on the white mattress laid on fresh green grass patch. I could feel the gentle breeze relieving the heat, not too chilly, not too warm, just right. It was amazing and then i started to flip back to reality in flashes like teleportation. I fought hard to stay in the hole, but i was sucked back eventually. Exhausted and trying to make sense of things, i brought myself back, lying there in bed, just breathing.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Toufu Hero's Nemesis

September 2011 was horrible but October 2011 was amazingly petrifying. Went through a lot of thoughts and tiptoed my life on the edge. I'm proud to have tested the strengths of Hero and also do ridicule the (still) wonderful Toufu thoughts. I've witness the destruction of the devil in its fullest power. And i stood there starring at it in the face. I didn't win but i'm not losing. Having walked a path less traveled, i've gained knowledge to recognise it and marching on forward. Sticking to the dysfunctional Nyx got us both stronger in our own realms of dysfunction. *appreciation*

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Everyone stands a different position in my life as according to the type of advisory roles they play.

1. Conservative
They are very important to drag me back to earth from outer space. But of course at times the gap is wider than usual and I find its harder to relate. Usually its the household topics like HDB, renovation, etc. But every soon i will catch up with my endowment and annuity policies! yes people, u didn't read wrongly, i'm on my way to selling all of you your Heterosexual Lifestyle Package.

2. Authoritative
Mostly role models in my life but i hardly get any much from them anymore. And this is the reason why my role models have turned into people who i don't want to be like. Somehow just more real and easier to reach my goals by disassociation.

3. Special Interests
Unusual people who are special to me, who are warped and twisted in a way against everybody else than me. They are comforting to be with when doing bad things or when shit happens in general. The relationship is always used and abused and never broken.

4. The Core
They are the very foundations in shaping your life besides marriage and kids. And i shall end with this poem dedication:

This is my Core. There are many like it, but this one is MINE.
My Core is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as i master my life.

My Core without me is useless. Without my Core, i am useless.
I must fire my Core true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me.
I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

My Core and myself know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire,
the noise of our bursts, nor the smoke we make.
We know it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My Core is human, even as i, because it is my life.
Thus, i will learn it as a sister. i will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel.
I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. i will keep my Core clean and ready, even as i am clean and ready.
We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God i swear this creed.
My Core and myself are the defenders of my country.
We are the masters of our enemy.
We are the saviors of my life.

Monday, May 30, 2011

It Has To Be a Fight Club

I had a very different perception of the same dialogue that took place. This happens quite frequently cause i'm not always paying attention and i'm just different.. I was there when things happened, i spoke up but too little in effect to make any difference to help. Therefore now i watch things happen in regret. I who rule by the mind should have guided those who ruled by the heart, but i got clouded and swayed. And at this point i remind myself that by pointing my own fingers at myself first, i'm still steering in the right healthy side.

Since when do we have contempt? doubt? selfishness? emotional irresponsibility? We have shown more of these traits of the lesser us. It is silly to think that things will fall in place with time by now, we should all be warned.

In this i'll learn to make an ever more positive impact to deter negativity. It is not a battle. It has to be a fight club.

Our time is ticking...

Friday, April 29, 2011

Running Bells

I hear alarm bells ringing at times.. more often these days and it's scary. Things should change for the better and if its not then start turning the other way.

I think that i'm a very rational person. And sometimes (many times), i think i get a bit S&M and cruel, having no room for grey areas and empathy.

My frens always say that i'm very lucky but i'd to think that i'm stupidly brave instead. Everyone have the same capacity to choose. And as with every choice, there comes the opportunity cost of sacrifice simply depending on you're appetite for LIFE.

I've also come to realize that i'm a fast (impulsive?) decision maker. From what to eat, drink to traveling and all, i seldom find myself spending more than 5mins. I guess the reason is that I can always change my mind later if i have to.

The issue of selfishness is there. But whenever i put myself in other's shoes, i tend to play a supportive role even if its for the most stupidest cause. How often do one get an opportunity like that? And if you miss this one, will u ever get it again? If yes, then when?

I'd push everyone if i can and because of this, i can't be held back. I love receiving advices and different perspectives on things. But like i've said, usually i've already made up my mind under 5mins.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I think I'm an Action Person

I remember reading one of those psycho-analytic books whereby you fill up questionaires and they tell u what kinda person u are. The one that i read has got 4 categories, Visual, Audio, Action and Feeling (i think). It determines what kinda cues will respond to you more effectively and efficiently. My result was Action and then i passed the book onto my friend and then she found out that i did the questionaire wrongly - i ranked the answers the other way round. GREAT! I think that im pretty much an action person but the book says that im not. But i've come to realise that all these don't matter anyway cause what you've done and/or what you've said is irrelevant. Why? Because many times it's up to what the other party think of what she has heard (not neccessary the whole story).

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Stubborn to Learn

Ok so i realize that i have a very stubborn attitude towards learning and experience life in all sorts. Thats the best way that i can put it apart from how my shit friends will say that im stupid. Thats the risk that i take and at the end of it there's always something i'll learn. And somehow that's the best way to learn too! Sucks to be me? I just tend to look at the brighter side of people/things and am patient enough to live it through... My backpacking trip to Europe has once again brought to my attention of how great an impact it has made on me to have lived abroad for that 5 years in my life.

1. There are many levels of independence, much like that of an onion.
I suppose that most people would think of independence in a financial sense. But i totally object to this notion simply because life is more than just that. Maybe im not suited to comment on this cause i never had to (and i also actively choose NOT to by saving) worry about money in my life before. I stick to the fact that i view money very differently to excuse myself.

ANYWAY, the layers of independence that i uncovered are social independence and emotional independence. Social independence in the sense of being sociable enough to make connections with people and not commit too many social suicides in random situations. And also being street smart that when the unexpected happens, u know how to react to save yourself. It's like how u realise that there's a cockcroach in the lift after the door closes, u become terrified and u freeze? This is about unfreezing and acting on ur fear to save yourself.

There are many ways that i can think of to explain my version of emotional independence but it kinda boils down to being comfortable with yourself, alone. That when ur down and alone, u are mentally strong enough to be rational over your emotions for your own sake. Also, i think it hovers around the area of being spiritually whole with oneself. (do i sound crazy?)

2. Learning is sadly not a priority in people
Its either that i have a great variety of interests or its just the joy of learning that i know a lot of useless information. There is always a superb satisfaction in learning or even just observing how things work, how people or animals interact and behave.

Although I think ignorance is sometimes a bliss, it is definitely a suicide to understanding anything, everything and including one self. Admitting ignorance is hard, taking an interest to learn from it is much easier isn't it? But the act of active ignorance is way too hard for me to stomach. I feel gingerly disappointed (and sometimes disgusted) whenever i see people choosing ignorance over a learning experience. It is NOT ok to not learn just because its difficult/far away/useless/makes u sick. How often does one step out of their circle to explore knowledge -spiritually, physically and emotionally?

When was the last time u explored something that was foreign to you? When was the last time u found something that moved you and u embraced it? When was the last time that you thought or reflected on something that taught u something about life?

Most of the information that i gain is mostly useless in my life. But the invaluable knowledge that i gain is how it made me think, understanding my own thinking process, how things take their forms and how it shapes an attitude.

Reflecting on this point, i have to conclude that learning and changing behaviour/attitude are on different planes. So if you ask me why sometimes i make the same mistakes again? i will tell you that its a different situation and i learnt different lessons from it.